Exposure, Transparency, and Change

Someone asked me, “What made your life change stick?” This was after a service, where I just shared my life changing turning point at 19 years old. Anyway, it made me think. I’m not a guru nor do I proclaim to have all the answers, but it did make me think about what made my life change stick. It was a great exercise, so I thought I’d share them in hopes you could use them or share them with someone who would.

Confession to God – As silly as this sounds, I confessed I wasn’t God nor in control of my life. I had spent most of my young life admitting I had it all together or figuring out ways to make “my” life better. All I did was make it worse. I needed to throw pride to the side and confess; admit that He is God and I am not.

Expose the dark areas in my life – By nature, the things we’re ashamed of we hide. Those things hiding will fester and eventually corrupt. I wish I could say I understood this then, but I didn’t. Although, I was sick of all the junk I had hidden. I was ready to get rid of EVERYTHING! I’m glad I did. I feel sorry for those I spilled all my guts to who never even asked. I don’t advise doing that now. Find someone who genuinely loves you and expose the dark areas.

Transparent living – I had developed a great group of friends who would ask the tough questions and live out Christian faith…something I never truly did or knew how. They challenged me to live transparently – life on a stage. This was new to me and honestly frustrated me, greatly. I was used to living a double lifestyle – lead worship Sundays and Wednesdays, every other day live like a heathen. I can’t say sorry enough for those missed opportunities in leading worship. So, this group of friends loved and accepted me as I bumped and scrapped my way along trying to live how Christ would. My life in college was raw, gritty and not pure. But the difference this time, I was honest about where I was or where I was not. My friends displayed the grace of Christ that allowed me to live transparent – I needed that!

Great friends – These guys weren’t just good-hearted; I had plenty of those in high school. All that taught me was all my good intentions are enough to earn the graces of God. Not true – I can’t earn that! The beauty of grace is it’s not earned…it’s given! Love that! These guys were passionate about living for Christ. They weren’t perfect and they opened up to me about their struggles. They were transparent with me too! I had friends who lived out God’s love. I never felt that from a group of guys before. I had based my life on performance, but when I screwed up these guys didn’t waver or bat an eye. Actually, they challenged me to get up and do better. They didn’t pile on, but encouraged me to go further than failure.

It reminds me of a message I spoke in 2004. Here are the points: God’s love is sacrificial, God’s love is unconditional, God’s love is affirming, and God’s love is corrective.

We are instruments in God’s hands to help lead others into God’s radical life change. As we love others like God loves us, it will result in change. It will result in growth. You can’t change people into what you want them to be, but you can create an environment where they can change and grow into what God wants them to be. “...speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” Eph. 4:15

I love you guys: Benito Fresquez, Cesar Ruiz, Shannon Dalrymple, Jimmy Jack Montgomery, Josh Roberts, Bobby Flores, Robert Flores. Our prayer times in college created a foundation for my present. You guys have played a role in my life deeper than this blog can convey.

Dassah’s Smile = My Joy

The other day, Dassah was all smiles. She is starting to smile more and more – Nat and I soak each smile in. What an expression! I love watching her and making her smile. Sometimes it’s a kiss on the mouth or the cheek. Sometimes it’s while I’m feeding her; she gazes into my eyes and outcomes a big grin. My eyes light up! She steals my heart with every smile. Her joy brings me joy. It’s really refreshing.

I wonder how much our joy brings God joy. Or better yet, God desires to make us smile – to give us joy. I think because it’s reciprocal. Much like me and Dassah, I want her to smile, because it makes me smile. I wonder if God desires to bring us joy because it gives Him joy. What a thought? Philippians 4:4 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

The way Nat holds Dassah when she cries brings incredible joy to my life. Not because she’s the one taking care of her, but because Nat’s love for Dassah is being given. When Dassah quiets down, Nat gives me a grin. Those two girls have my heart. Making them smile brings me great joy.

Who can you give joy to? What brings you joy? Give joy, receive joy.

Age Appropriate

I attended a funeral and saw a little girl who I haven’t seen in sometime. This girl is now 6 years old, but I have this image stuck in mind of her being much younger…probably 3 years old or something. Anyway, as I was walking through to share condolences with the family, I saw this little girl. Her mom got up, gave me a hug and so did her little girl. It was at that moment I said, “Wow. She’s getting so big!”

After talking for awhile, I said goodbye and started walking to my car. As I was walked to my car, I had this funny thought, “At what age is that comment no longer appropriate?” My comment didn’t create controversy. As a matter of fact, it opened up communication for how fast kids grow and how my little girl will grow up in a flash. But, when does, “She’s getting so big,” become offensive?

In college, a few of my friends and I had a scripture, we’d blurt out when we said something we shouldn’t – Ephesians 4:29, “Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.” I want my words to be a gift. And although I pose this question lightheartedly, for the mere humor of the moment, I want my words to be gifts.

Give gifts worth opening, not wanting to be returned.

Jesus Loves You and Gave His Life For You

Galatians 2:20….So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I think I understand this love a little bit more as a parent to the most beautiful girl in the world.

Dassah doesn’t do much to cause me to love her. Actually, she does a lot of stuff, that if other people did, it might drive me nuts. I call her name, but she doesn’t understand or turn her head to hear me. She keeps us up at night – our sleep is no longer the same. We now rejoice when we can sleep a full 3 hours! At the most inopportune times, she dirties her diapers. Actually, the other day, when I leaned down to kiss her, she projectiled spit-up into my mouth. I can tell you, although that was disgusting (AND IT WAS!), I love her. Changing diapers are inconvenient. Getting up in the middle of the night is not luxurious. Now having fear grip my heart when I lean in to kiss her on the mouth is unsettling, but I love Dassah. She doesn’t have to do anything to gain my love. She can’t do anything right now. As a matter of fact, Nat and I do all the work, but we still love her!

The Bible says, in Romans 8:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” What does that mean? While we were still sinners – while we did nothing or can absolutely do nothing to earn His love, Jesus died for us. Not because we loved Him, but because He loved us. That’s powerful and freeing.

“Even though I keep repeating the same sin over and over again” - Jesus loves you and gave His life for you
“Even though I promised to live for him and haven’t…” - Jesus loves you and gave His life for you
“I’ve done a lot of bad things and can’t forgive myself” - Jesus loves you and gave His life for you
“No matter what I try, I still feel like a failure.” - Jesus loves you and gave His life for you

Receive Christ’s love and allow it to change you.

Change Coming

Wow! Has it really been this long since I’ve blogged?? I can’t say I’m back in the groove, but I have thoughts swirling in mind. So, I’ve decided to share them, because if not, I’ll be thinking about them all day.

More than likely, this is the last Friday as just Nat and me. Next Friday, our little daughter, Dassah (pronounced like “Nasa” but with a D at the beginning) will join us in the real world. We’ve already heard countless people talk about how our lives are going to change. We’ve even had people ask us if we’re ready. How do you answer that question? Because, in the same breath, people will also say, everybody’s child is different. So my admission of ready, assumes I’m ready for a child described to me who’s someone else’s, not my own, who may very well be different than that of whose I was described, not mine. I’m so confused…

Needless to say, I’ve got a song stuck in my head by Lisa Gungor, “Change Coming”. You’ve got to click on the link and listen to the song. It should be the first song playing from the site. If not, search for it. As a matter of fact, open up another tab. Go to Lisa Gungor’s site and play her music in the background while you finish reading this blog. (Sorry for being so demanding, just creating a mood)

But I do, sense a change coming – a change in sleeping habits, schedules, time, priorities, groceries, budget, date nights, etc, etc. But I’m also changing, not just my surroundings. She hasn’t even arrived yet and I’ve already sensed the change personally, deeply. So to the question, “Are you ready,” I answer, “I don’t know.” But somehow, that seems sufficient to me. If I answered an emphatic, “YES,” would I be believed? Probably not, I’d be laughed at for my naivety. “I don’t know” really teaches me dependence on God, and really, I want God’s wisdom on raising our child. I don’t know all the answers. I don’t know if these diapers will give her a rash. I don’t know how to operate on her sleep schedule. I don’t know if we’re ever going to use her playpen or every one of her 5 diaper bags. I don’t know how to care for an infant. I, honestly, don’t. But “I’m ready” to try.

I’m not “ready”, but I’m ready to find out how not ready I am. How can I really be ready for someone so distinctly different and uniquely created? Have we prepared? Absolutely, but I don’t think we’re “ready”. We’re excited about the opportunity to be parents to a wonderful, God-created, little girl who has already captured our hearts. I feel change coming…

Slow Learner

I don't read the Bible for quantity. Usually, I read a chapter for a couple days, just to grasp it. Sometimes I just read a couple of verses and then stop - I will review it in my head a day or two to comprehend...I'm a slow learner.

Anyway, I've been reading 1 Kings. I read 2 Kings first, now I'm back tracking. On Wednesday I read the whole story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal, fire from heaven burning up the drenched, soaked sacrifice (chap.18). I've been thinking a lot about that chapter the last couple days. I've even thought about what God had done through and for Elijah - bringing back to life a dead boy and being fed by ravens. The story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal was a true showdown where God prevailed. It must have given Elijah great confidence in God! He was part of a divine slap in the face for the prophets of Baal. What a confidence builder. What a testimony to God's strength and power. But even greater, what confidence it must have created for Elijah to know God hears him and responds.

Then, this morning, I felt ready to move onto the next chapter - 1 Kings 19. I was amazed and comforted at the humanity of one of God's prophets - someone who not only heard about God's power, but witnessed it. Here's what I read and then stopped reading.

"1Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. 2 So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.” 3Elijah was afraid and ran for his life."

Afraid? Elijah was afraid? Elijah could speak to a God who could bring a dead boy to life, command ravens to bring him food and put on one amazing fire show! When I read those words, I was strangely comforted. Not even Elijah has all the right emotional responses, even when he closely follows God. I guess he's a slow learner too!

Where God is - continued...

One of the coolest things happened to one of the singers on the Sunday worship team. She had taken maternity leave and has been sitting out in the audience worshiping right along with us. "We lead on and off the stage," I always say and she's been a great example to see. Anyway, after I posted my blog about where God is, she sends me an email yesterday. She had been concerned about what to sing for a work talent show. I gave her a few ideas, so her email was an update to her work retreat. It only confirms God's location. Thanks for sharing Joani. Here's what she shared.

My work retreat was this past Saturday. I ended up singing Shout to the Lord. This was very different for me and totally out of my comfort zone. I don’t really “perform”, I worship, so I was feeling a little uneasy about the whole thing. What am I saying… I was scared to death!!! Almost to the point of backing out, but on the way to the retreat I started going over the words to the song, “My Comfort, my Shelter, Tower of Refuge and Strength…” I realized at that moment, what I was singing about was exactly Who I needed to trust in. At that point it was no longer about me it was all about Him. I knew there would be people there who didn’t know God, and people who knew God, but didn’t really take a stand outside of church. I realized this is what ministry is really all about. I was still nervous, yet somehow a little more at ease. When it was my turn I just sang my heart out. It was no longer a performance. It was worship (which is what I do and no longer out of my comfort zone.) In those few moments of that song, I sensed God show up. It was amazing. No, there weren’t people with their hands raised or running down to the front to be prayed for, but there was the undeniable presence of God in that little conference room at Alltel Arena. Ya know, it’s easy for me to lead worship at church. There’s a big choir and orchestra behind me, a praise team beside me and Steve in the front. There’s a congregation who, for the most part, loves God and is worshipping right along with me, so I expect God to be there. He’s “supposed” to be there. I’ve learned now, to expect him to show up wherever I go. Not because of something I’ve done or how great I am, but because He just loves me and is there for me when I need Him. What a humbling thought.